My Beliefs Now

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Originally posted on October 22nd, 2022

I've decided it's time to update some of the truths that I've accepted as a spiritual person, so let's start from the beginning:

To me, there is a god. I do think that god did became man in Jesus Christ but he was still just a regular human being.
I believe he meant well when he chose to sacrifice himself for our sins but I honestly have no idea how effective that was or why he and god tried to do the thing.
This is where I now have questions. Why do I have to believe he was resurrected? Why do I have to know that people saw him alive? Why did he have to go back to heaven after promising to return. Why do I have to admit I'm a sinner in order to know god or Jesus? Isn't that just like admiting that I identify as a human being while obviously implying I can't please God on my own? And sure I can believe that Jesus' sacrifice was for my sins because I'm human. I can believe that I deserve blessing both now and when I die, but why do I deserve the blessing? What if it's not the blessing I want even though "god" says I "need" it? How does God even know what I need. If he did provide for me, why am I always wanting other things?

So, god gives me the Holy Spirit. How does the Holy Spirit talk to me? The problem with the Holy Spirit is that it's hard to tell the difference between my brain talking to me and the Holy Spirit. All I've been told is that I should do the opposite of what my "flesh" wants me to do. So I don't want to murder someone, so does that mean I have to do the opposite and find the nearest weapon? That's kind of a sick way to tell someone to live as the Holy Spirit wants me to live.
So when I fail, when I sin, god wants me to repent and say I'm sorry, and he is willing to forgive my sins over and over. So I do that when I have a meltdown or stim with my hair because it bothers other people, but is it really sin or just my autistic quirks? If it's not harming anyone like masturbating is it really sin just to relieve myself instead of forcing my desire for sex on my significant other? And how is masturbating even contacting "the underworld" or "having sex with demons?" Maybe if the bible actually mentioned masturbation by using the exact word, I wouldn't have to struggle with the humanity of having sexual desires.
So god wants me to love him, love others, do good, avoid evil. So loving others and doig good and avoiding evil is easy when seeing how choosing the right actions causes the right consequences and vice versa. But loving How does one love a god that has conflicting voices, has a book that is so outdated and out of order, and has followers that are batshit crazy in one of the most capitalist countries in the world? How do you get into a relationship with god who maybe performs miracles by healing Covid but doesn't provide for needs because those come from privilege rather than manifestations?
Why "pray the sinner's prayer?" It's not some kind of formula that automatically puts a protective force shield around your spiritual being, does it?
Why baptism and dedication as a baby? Is it just for church membership? Is it just virtue signaling that the nuclear family is the best kind of family? What happens when kids make a choice not to believe or figure out that evangelicals want to destroy their best Islamic friend or black friend or gay/lesbian/trans kid friend?
How does 'accepting Jesus as your personal savior" actually happen? It's not like he's like freaking Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid.

These are just way more questions than answers that I have at this point. I live in an environment where I just can't really ask anything out loud. I "accepted Jesus" when I was around five because I was told stories about hell and saw a creepy episode of Animaniacs where the Warner brothers were giving Satan a hard time. My parents had to explain what was real and what wasn't about that cartoon. I was baptized when I was 8, left when I was a teenager because I wanted sex. During those times, it was made clear to me that "accepting Jesus" was one thing but that you are baptized to "join the church" or to rededicate my life which I did at 20 in a mega-church.
I grew up reading the Bible and praying and tried to please God but other Christian friends treated me like I was a "baby Christian" just because I saw Jesus as the best teacher who provided tips on how to be good and god as a social justice kind of diety. During the pandemic, I stopped going to church but I kept reading my Bible and saying prayers.
I then watched every church I attended since 2005 become engrossed in support for Donald Trump, looking to rappers like Kanye West, sharing stuff by Joe Rogan and his guests on Facebook and people personally recommending I read Jordan Peterson and join the Freedumb Convoy. Every one of my Christian friends has become abusive and every single pastor I looked up to put politics before the god they claim to worship and sacrifice their lives to.

Over time, I started to see a pattern. Whenever a Christian shares something they believe, it's always centred around liberals or people who are different from them trying to take over their country, town, or even their churches. They always talk about their freedom being under attack yet they take full advantage of the freedom to express those fears. They barely talk about how good god is and instead go off about the rapture, purity, demons, spiritual warfare, unforgivable sin, and the book of revelation while proping up capitalism, alternative medicine, misinformation that makes no damn sense, and the need to manifest anything they want. Evangelicalism has become a religion rather than spiritual practices, and it's no longer a community anymore. It's a cult.

I’m not looking for people to agree with this statement or to get in touch with me to disagree, I'm ready to move forward and explore spirituality without the accountability of toxic "Christian" environments. I'm ready to grow the hell up unlike all the people in my past. I honestly do not give a flying fuck. The fact that I’ve overcome so much at such a young age and the fact that I'm overcoming a ton of abuse from Christians from my past only gave me more hope in the future. This year alone I’ve fought through an insane ammount of people trying to silence me from my old social media accounts. I’ve fought through the “what if” I kept going as a sound engineer at church, and the tremendous pain the church has caused me by telling me I'm a sheep for wearing a mask and that I'm for restricting the right for Christians to choose (which I'm not). I’ve fought through people thinking my official autism diagnosis is a lie, and come to a radical acceptance that I LOVE BEING AUTISTIC. I LOVE BEING A HIP-HOP ARTIST. I LOVE WORKING WITH PEOPLE WHO STRUGGLE. I LOVE BEING WHO I CHOOSE TO BE AND THE ACTUAL FREEDOM THAT COMES WITH IT.

I’ve found new loves, like chiptune music and video games. I’ve read a crazy ammount of books and felt they've propelled me farther than ever. I’ve found that I thrive in small community rather than being told to go on a mission to "connect all Christians and make disciples."

If anyone wants to change me, they can kindly go fornicate themsleves on the Freedumb Convoy! My whole life I’ve been told to stop acting autistic. To stop acting like an “atheist”. I’ve been told I’m not leadership material, that I’m a failure who can never hold a job or take care of myself. I've been told that I will never ever grow up, and that I'll be Peter fucking Pan stuck in central Canada for life. I’ve been told I’ll never amount to anything, and that my personality turns people off (and even if it did, so what?). Know what I learned this year, Fediverse friends? I'm gonna be me regardless of what people think. The god that actually does exist made me autistic and I can do amazing things because of it. He made me a man who lives a normal life. I go to comic conventions, parties, drink a bit here and there, and discuss life with close vulnerable friends- none of this is sinful, in fact, showing love by doing these so-called “pagan” things is close to what Jesus did then the billion dollar Sunday services in the douchebag mega-church I used to attend. I’m not saying I’m perfect, or don’t need fixing. I got stuff to work on. However, this year I decided to be done with people trying to change me. Do like any of this? Whatever. I'm bull-dozing my way into a future of real authentic freedom and a really good job as a full-stack developer who hopes to use funds to help people having problems with capitalism. Let's GOOOOOOOOOOO!